Sub Par Songwriting

Been a while since I've updated this blog. I don't plan to start regularly again anytime in the near future but I was recently working on something that was somewhat on topic. I wrote a song. With music and everything. Actually I wrote the music first then after listening to it a few times found that it kinda sorta reminded me of the Spider-Man theme song from the 60's. So I stole the lyrics and rearranged them a little. Then I did something I never thought I would do. I wrote a rap part. I hate rap. It just seemed to fit though so...

The rap was sorta like poetry and the whole thing is definitely sub-par so here it goes on the blog.

You can listen to it on my SoundCloud account or download it. Here's a link: https://soundcloud.com/jason-talbott-1/spidey-senses-a-tingling

If you decide to click the link, I apologize in advance.

Tailgaters

The Washington Post Invitational ran a contest where entrants had to use a line from a well known poem then add their own rhyming line to follow it. The results of the contest were posted today and, as usual, there were tons of hilarious entries. The one that tickled me the most was this one, by Brian Allgar, using a William Shakespeare line:

Who will believe my verse, in time to come, (Shakespeare)
Was used for something so completely dumb? (Allgar)

I submitted a few of my own entries to this contest, and while the Washington Post  may not have found them print-worthy, nobody can stop me from publishing them on my own blog. :) I'm not sure if I should say "enjoy" or "I'm sorry". Either way, I mean it sincerely:


Tyger! Tyger! burning bright...(W. Blake)
Shoot, I can't spell 'tiger' right. (J. Talbott)


The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea (E. Lear)
There's a hole in their boat (cuz they didn't take me). (J. Talbott)


I think that I shall never see (J. Kilmer)
A fork placed right (I've OCD). (J. Talbott)


Once upon a midnight dreary,
while I pondered weak and weary, (E. A. Poe)
I conjured up a brilliant theory,
Then forgot it -- Too much beer-y. (J. Talbott)


Because I could not stop for Death (E. Dickinson)
He chased me, now HE'S out of breath. (J. Talbott)


This is the way the world ends (T.S. Eliot)
With a nuclear blast and filled Depends. (J. Talbott)


Each burning boat in Caesar's rear (H. Melville)
Is wond'ring... how'd I get in here? (J. Talbott)


O Captain! my captain! our fearful trip is done; (W. Whitman)
Then said Picard, "Hey, redshirt, if I were you I'd run!" (J. Talbott)


'Tis better to have loved and lost (Tennyson)
(Now dining out is half the cost). (J. Talbott)


I wandered lonely as a cloud (Wordsworth)
My flatulence dispersed the crowd (J. Talbott)

A Lurker In The Men's Room

As I was sitting on the pot
I felt a pair of eyes;
I took a glance out through the slot
And much to my surprise,
There was a patch of blue out there
I'd never seen before.
I couldn't make out head or hair
Or shoes upon the floor,
But I could see (about chest high)
What seemed to be a shirt.
There's someone waiting just outside
Which served to disconcert!
I guessed he must have had to go
(Of that, I could relate)
But standing just outside the door
Is not the place to wait.
I wished he'd take a few steps back;
My irritation grew.
Had he no proper sense of tact?
There's some things you don't do!
And so I flushed, with half a mind
To chide him for this gaffe.
I opened up the door to find...
Oh no! I had to laugh.
When I emerged, there was no trace
Of a man with urgent bowels;
The blue was from the plastic case
Dispensing paper towels.

A Chicken Avoids Its Demise

Posted this on a forum thread called The Chicken's Demise...


We can't harvest the crops, it's too cold out, 
So let's butcher the poultry, but hold out 
The little red hen, 
Put her back in the pen 
'Cuz I heard that there bird can poop gold out.

Prolific Day Writing Definitions for OEDILF

I submitted six new limericks to the Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form today, four of which I thought were good. Here are those four (I'll spare you the other two):

Desponsate
I desponsate the lovely Miss Betty.
I think that this means we'll go steady.
No? It means I will marry 'er?
Oh no! That's much scarier!
Hold on, I recant! I'm not ready!

Effortless 
Freeing cats is so effortless when
You open the bag and all ten
Fly out screetching, berserk.
It is ten times more work
When you stuff them back in there again.

Entrepreneur
A competent entrepreneur
Made his fortune reselling manure.
You'd think he's a sap
Cuz his business is crap,
But he's richer than both me and you're.

Diffidency 
With diffidency Joe spoke his answer,
Sounding sheepishly shy for a prancer.
He's not always this coy;
He's a confident boy,
But just then he was torn (like his pants were).

John Kerry's Accident

Mr. Kerry was lacing his skates
In the midst of a game with his mates.
Flip-flopping, he cried,
"I shall leave them untied!"
Then he tripped. Sir, your ambulance awaits.

  The Real Story at CBS Boston

Woohoo! My limerick got an honorable mention in the weekly contest at Mad Kane's Humor Blog. http://www.madkane.com/humor_blog/2012/01/22/limerick-of-the-week-45/

Definition Limericks With a Religious Twist

Looking through the definitions that I've submitted to OEDILF.com, I noticed that a lot of them centered on religious topics. This wasn't intentional but I do think about religion quite a bit and apparently it comes through when I write. Some of the defined words are specifically religious, others only fit this category because of the way I used them, but my hope is that all are entertaining or thought-provoking in some way.

The first one defines the word Damascene...

Really Really Sup Par Writing

Yes, I understand... this isn't poetry but it definitely is sub par. But that was the point, the following two pieces, I was writing for the purpose of writing poorly. See for yourself.

Skip To The End

Double dactyl, written for a contest with a theme on "Time":

Skip to the End
Tickety Tockety!
Jason the Clockwatcher
Has eight more hours until
He can go play.

Temporal oddities!
Unsynchronology!
Mentally done but just
Starting the day.

Metrical Feet

I was doing a quick refresher this morning on metrical feet in poetry. The first thing I noticed was that "metrical feet" sounds like a contradiction in terms. There are no feet in the metric system, or so I thought. Turns out, "feet" in verse are not the 12-inch variety of feet, but are small groupings of syllables matching various stress patterns. Getting this basic fact straight, I thought the rest would slide right into place. I couldn't have been more wrong.

Investigating further, I found that the names of these feet are very misleading. You'd think the names of metrical feet could at least match the meter they are defining. Take, for instance, the anapest foot. An anapest foot is two unstressed syllables followed by a stressed syllable, as in "macaroon" (mac-a-ROON). Wouldn't it just make sense if the word "anapest" could follow this pattern (an-a-PEST)? I am sad to say this isn't the case. "Anapest" is pronounced (AN-a-pest) which actually follows the stress pattern of a dactyl. And it gets worse. Read on and see...

OEDILF: Earned Income and Economic

Definitions of Earned Income and Economic, submitted to the OEDILF:

My earned income's exceeded by bills,
Though I don't live a lifestyle with frills.
I've low earning potential;
Some help is essential,
So remember me, please, in your wills.

Economic: relating to money,
Like my bank account. Ha! Now that's funny...
Well, both tragic and comic.
I've defined economic
Very poorly; at least it was punny.

Tom Swifty Limericks

I submitted a few Tom Swifty limerick definitions at the OEDILF.

demissly
Since the acci'ent, Tom has felt blessed,
And his 'octors have all been impressed.
Though his Ds are unsung,
He still speaks (with no tongue).
"No big 'eal," Tom demissly expressed.

(dee-MISS-lee): humbly

---------

blimpishly
In a zeppelin race overseas,
The French team veered left from a breeze.
"I've got this one bagged,"
Herr Tom blimpishly bragged,
"I beat left-leaning Frenchies with ease."

You are blimpish if you could be described as being proud of your ultraconservative nationalist views.

---------

benignantly
"I am holding nine ants in my palm,
And I've pledged to be gracious and calm.
I won't harm these poor strays."
This benevolent phrase
Was benignantly spoken by Tom.

Double Dactyl - Take Two

My second try:

Limerick Gimmerick
Jason of Pendleton
Tried double-dactyls while
Fearing the worst.

Uh-oh-spaghetti-o!
They're all bass-ackwards cuz
He's used to anapest
(Dactyls reversed).

Double Dactyl - Pogonophobia

For a while, I've maintained that the purest form of poetry known to man is the limerick.

Today I learned of a form that may just rival the limerick - the double dactyl. Lines 1,2,3,5,6 and 7 are made of two dactyls (BAH-bah-bah). Lines 4 and 8 have one dactyl followed by a single syllable, and they rhyme. Line 2 is a person's name and one of the lines in the second stanza has to be a single word.

Here is my first try, I wrote about my good buddy, Ben Gibney:

Fuzzily Wuzzily
Benjamin Gib-a-ney
Grew him a beard which was
Coming in fine. 

Then he found out he had
Pogonophobia.
He can shave his, but he'd
Best not touch mine.

OEDILF: Electromagnetic Pulse

EMPs can blow circuits and breakers,
Make blackouts extending for acres,
And turn gadgets to toast.
At least one group can boast
That it won't affect them—that's the Quakers.

OEDILF: Cystis

Another limerick about cysts, this one defining another form of the word: cystis.

My sister once asked, "What's a cyst?"
So I gave her the general gist:
"An old word for this blister
Is cystis, dear sister,
Like your face." Then my nose met her fist.

Math Quiz

I entered this one in a contest where the subject was "Eraser"

Math Quiz

In arithmetic, he wasn't strong.
This math quiz was taking so long.
It was hard to divide.
Still, he tried till he cried,
but the answers kept coming out wrong.

He would solve and immediately doubt
if he'd taken the most proper route.
He'd retry, but alas,
by the end of the class,
his eraser was simply worn out.

The bell rang. The quiz was now due,
but his sheet was a sad sight to view.
There was nothing but air
in assorted spots where
the eraser wore all the way through.

The tests were collected and sent
to the teacher for grading. She went
through each page in the stack
and then handed them back.
He saw his grade: ninety percent!

He pondered his luck with a frown...
To the head of the class from class clown?
Was he smart? Well not quite,
every one he got right
had shown through from the next paper down!

OEDILF: Curdy

I ordered a milk. (Yeah, I'm nerdy.)
What the bartender brought me is curdy;
It's lumpy and thick.
What's the date on it? Sick!
This expired in May—1930!

OEDILF: Ear Lobe

My definition of ear lobe as submitted to the Omnificent English Dictionary In Limerick Format

Late last night my poor ear lobe was mugged
When my daughter purred this as we hugged:
"I love you, Daddy dear,
Could you lend me your ear?"
I said, "Yes," so she grabbed it and tugged.