John Kerry's Accident

Mr. Kerry was lacing his skates
In the midst of a game with his mates.
Flip-flopping, he cried,
"I shall leave them untied!"
Then he tripped. Sir, your ambulance awaits.

  The Real Story at CBS Boston

OEDILF: Effluvia

Definition for the word 'effluvia'

It was her, and of that there's no doubt.
Her effluvia pummeled my snout.
She was eating old beans
And inflating her jeans;
I stopped breathing and gladly passed out.

Effluvium is a noxious emission of vapor. The plural form of the word is effluvia.

Crookbacked

My OEDILF definition for crookbacked:

Once a crookbacked old man in my store,
As he left, dropped his keys on the floor,
So as manners dictated,
I retrieved them and waited
With a hunch he'd be back through the door.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Disafforest

Here's another submission I put in at the OEDILF, this time a definition for the word disafforest, which means "to remove all the trees from"

She owned cedars majestic and lauded. 
They've been logged. She's been badly defrauded. 
No, she didn't need wood, 
She just misunderstood 
When they asked, "Disafforest?" she nodded. 

An Ode to Baggy Pants

One of the projects I'm involved in is an online dictionary in which every definition is given in the form of a limerick. Authors can draw random words from a list of words that need to be defined and today I got the word "cullyism" which Dictionary.com defines as the state of being a cully. I had to look up "cully" which means a fool.

The image that immediately sprang to mind was of a teenage boy I saw the other day struggling to cross the street. He was carrying a bag of groceries with one hand and the other hand was clenching the waistband of his jeans which were sagging about 10 inches below the height you'd expect to find them. I thought about giving him some helpful advice that would make carrying his groceries much easier: Pull your pants ALL the way up BEFORE tightening your belt. I just laughed at him instead.

Here is the limerick I submitted for the word "cullyism":

Define cullyism: Being a fool.
That's not me, cuz I'm hip. Yep, I'm cool.
I wear big baggy pants
That fall down when I dance.
I'm the awesomest kid in my school.

I must constantly hold up my britches,
and ignore my poor nose when it itches.
I don't understand fully
Why you call me a cully.
Does my fashion sense leave you in stitches?

A Banquet Server Holding a Veggie Tray

I wrote this back in May. I changed it a little bit since then but it still has the same... um... flow?

A Banquet Server Holding a Veggie Tray

My big platter's contents were unique.
I displayed to a jittery geek
Who hopped foot to foot,
Grabbed a white bulbous root,
Like an onion, saying, "I'll take a leek!" 

And then off to the loo he did flee.
Later on, he returned back to me.
Saw my tray and proceeded
Eating pods that were seeded.
I said, "Tell me sir, how was your pea?" 

So we laughed, and guffawed, and we shared a fuss
At the double entendre 'tween the pair of us.
Then he said with a wink,
"Sir, I would hate to think
What you'd say if I had the asparagus!"

Anchor Hocking Presence 3-Piece Multi-Use serving Tray-Deep Serving Tray with Egg Insert and Veggie Insert

Monopoly

 I wrote this for a contest and got an honorable mention. Just a few days before writing it, the family actually had sat down to our first game of Monopoly, so it almost is a true story...

Monopoly 

No, Monopoly isn't too speedy
And the deals you make often are seedy.
Common sense then, forbids
Me to teach to my kids,
But I did, and it made their dad greedy. 

Now, my daughters are sweet little dears,
They're eleven and nine (in earth years).
So we sat down on stools
And I taught them the rules,
An hour later, someone was in tears. 

I was mean and I pushed and I bossed,
Played to win, didn't care what it cost.
But my kids are too smart.
Despite daddy's black heart,
The next thing I new, I had lost. 

So a word to the wise from a guy
Who's afternoon plans went awry:
If you can't stand to lose
To your kids, then don't chose
Monopoly, they'll see you cry!

Monopoly Disney Edition