Monday, August 11, 2014

Sub Par Songwriting

Been a while since I've updated this blog. I don't plan to start regularly again anytime in the near future but I was recently working on something that was somewhat on topic. I wrote a song. With music and everything. Actually I wrote the music first then after listening to it a few times found that it kinda sorta reminded me of the Spider-Man theme song from the 60's. So I stole the lyrics and rearranged them a little. Then I did something I never thought I would do. I wrote a rap part. I hate rap. It just seemed to fit though so...

The rap was sorta like poetry and the whole thing is definitely sub-par so here it goes on the blog.

You can listen to it on my SoundCloud account or download it. Here's a link:

If you decide to click the link, I apologize in advance.

Friday, June 1, 2012


The Washington Post Invitational ran a contest where entrants had to use a line from a well known poem then add their own rhyming line to follow it. The results of the contest were posted today and, as usual, there were tons of hilarious entries. The one that tickled me the most was this one, by Brian Allgar, using a William Shakespeare line:

Who will believe my verse, in time to come, (Shakespeare)
Was used for something so completely dumb? (Allgar)

I submitted a few of my own entries to this contest, and while the Washington Post  may not have found them print-worthy, nobody can stop me from publishing them on my own blog. :) I'm not sure if I should say "enjoy" or "I'm sorry". Either way, I mean it sincerely:

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright...(W. Blake)
Shoot, I can't spell 'tiger' right. (J. Talbott)

The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea (E. Lear)
There's a hole in their boat (cuz they didn't take me). (J. Talbott)

I think that I shall never see (J. Kilmer)
A fork placed right (I've OCD). (J. Talbott)

Once upon a midnight dreary,
while I pondered weak and weary, (E. A. Poe)
I conjured up a brilliant theory,
Then forgot it -- Too much beer-y. (J. Talbott)

Because I could not stop for Death (E. Dickinson)
He chased me, now HE'S out of breath. (J. Talbott)

This is the way the world ends (T.S. Eliot)
With a nuclear blast and filled Depends. (J. Talbott)

Each burning boat in Caesar's rear (H. Melville)
Is wond'ring... how'd I get in here? (J. Talbott)

O Captain! my captain! our fearful trip is done; (W. Whitman)
Then said Picard, "Hey, redshirt, if I were you I'd run!" (J. Talbott)

'Tis better to have loved and lost (Tennyson)
(Now dining out is half the cost). (J. Talbott)

I wandered lonely as a cloud (Wordsworth)
My flatulence dispersed the crowd (J. Talbott)

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

A Lurker In The Men's Room

As I was sitting on the pot
I felt a pair of eyes;
I took a glance out through the slot
And much to my surprise,
There was a patch of blue out there
I'd never seen before.
I couldn't make out head or hair
Or shoes upon the floor,
But I could see (about chest high)
What seemed to be a shirt.
There's someone waiting just outside
Which served to disconcert!
I guessed he must have had to go
(Of that, I could relate)
But standing just outside the door
Is not the place to wait.
I wished he'd take a few steps back;
My irritation grew.
Had he no proper sense of tact?
There's some things you don't do!
And so I flushed, with half a mind
To chide him for this gaffe.
I opened up the door to find...
Oh no! I had to laugh.
When I emerged, there was no trace
Of a man with urgent bowels;
The blue was from the plastic case
Dispensing paper towels.

Monday, February 27, 2012

A Chicken Avoids Its Demise

Posted this on a forum thread called The Chicken's Demise...

We can't harvest the crops, it's too cold out, 
So let's butcher the poultry, but hold out 
The little red hen, 
Put her back in the pen 
'Cuz I heard that there bird can poop gold out.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Prolific Day Writing Definitions for OEDILF

I submitted six new limericks to the Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form today, four of which I thought were good. Here are those four (I'll spare you the other two):

I desponsate the lovely Miss Betty.
I think that this means we'll go steady.
No? It means I will marry 'er?
Oh no! That's much scarier!
Hold on, I recant! I'm not ready!

Freeing cats is so effortless when
You open the bag and all ten
Fly out screetching, berserk.
It is ten times more work
When you stuff them back in there again.

A competent entrepreneur
Made his fortune reselling manure.
You'd think he's a sap
Cuz his business is crap,
But he's richer than both me and you're.

With diffidency Joe spoke his answer,
Sounding sheepishly shy for a prancer.
He's not always this coy;
He's a confident boy,
But just then he was torn (like his pants were).

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

John Kerry's Accident

Mr. Kerry was lacing his skates
In the midst of a game with his mates.
Flip-flopping, he cried,
"I shall leave them untied!"
Then he tripped. Sir, your ambulance awaits.

  The Real Story at CBS Boston

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Woohoo! My limerick got an honorable mention in the weekly contest at Mad Kane's Humor Blog.