Tailgaters

The Washington Post Invitational ran a contest where entrants had to use a line from a well known poem then add their own rhyming line to follow it. The results of the contest were posted today and, as usual, there were tons of hilarious entries. The one that tickled me the most was this one, by Brian Allgar, using a William Shakespeare line:

Who will believe my verse, in time to come, (Shakespeare)
Was used for something so completely dumb? (Allgar)

I submitted a few of my own entries to this contest, and while the Washington Post  may not have found them print-worthy, nobody can stop me from publishing them on my own blog. :) I'm not sure if I should say "enjoy" or "I'm sorry". Either way, I mean it sincerely:


Tyger! Tyger! burning bright...(W. Blake)
Shoot, I can't spell 'tiger' right. (J. Talbott)


The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea (E. Lear)
There's a hole in their boat (cuz they didn't take me). (J. Talbott)


I think that I shall never see (J. Kilmer)
A fork placed right (I've OCD). (J. Talbott)


Once upon a midnight dreary,
while I pondered weak and weary, (E. A. Poe)
I conjured up a brilliant theory,
Then forgot it -- Too much beer-y. (J. Talbott)


Because I could not stop for Death (E. Dickinson)
He chased me, now HE'S out of breath. (J. Talbott)


This is the way the world ends (T.S. Eliot)
With a nuclear blast and filled Depends. (J. Talbott)


Each burning boat in Caesar's rear (H. Melville)
Is wond'ring... how'd I get in here? (J. Talbott)


O Captain! my captain! our fearful trip is done; (W. Whitman)
Then said Picard, "Hey, redshirt, if I were you I'd run!" (J. Talbott)


'Tis better to have loved and lost (Tennyson)
(Now dining out is half the cost). (J. Talbott)


I wandered lonely as a cloud (Wordsworth)
My flatulence dispersed the crowd (J. Talbott)

A Lurker In The Men's Room

As I was sitting on the pot
I felt a pair of eyes;
I took a glance out through the slot
And much to my surprise,
There was a patch of blue out there
I'd never seen before.
I couldn't make out head or hair
Or shoes upon the floor,
But I could see (about chest high)
What seemed to be a shirt.
There's someone waiting just outside
Which served to disconcert!
I guessed he must have had to go
(Of that, I could relate)
But standing just outside the door
Is not the place to wait.
I wished he'd take a few steps back;
My irritation grew.
Had he no proper sense of tact?
There's some things you don't do!
And so I flushed, with half a mind
To chide him for this gaffe.
I opened up the door to find...
Oh no! I had to laugh.
When I emerged, there was no trace
Of a man with urgent bowels;
The blue was from the plastic case
Dispensing paper towels.

A Chicken Avoids Its Demise

Posted this on a forum thread called The Chicken's Demise...


We can't harvest the crops, it's too cold out, 
So let's butcher the poultry, but hold out 
The little red hen, 
Put her back in the pen 
'Cuz I heard that there bird can poop gold out.

Prolific Day Writing Definitions for OEDILF

I submitted six new limericks to the Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form today, four of which I thought were good. Here are those four (I'll spare you the other two):

Desponsate
I desponsate the lovely Miss Betty.
I think that this means we'll go steady.
No? It means I will marry 'er?
Oh no! That's much scarier!
Hold on, I recant! I'm not ready!

Effortless 
Freeing cats is so effortless when
You open the bag and all ten
Fly out screetching, berserk.
It is ten times more work
When you stuff them back in there again.

Entrepreneur
A competent entrepreneur
Made his fortune reselling manure.
You'd think he's a sap
Cuz his business is crap,
But he's richer than both me and you're.

Diffidency 
With diffidency Joe spoke his answer,
Sounding sheepishly shy for a prancer.
He's not always this coy;
He's a confident boy,
But just then he was torn (like his pants were).

John Kerry's Accident

Mr. Kerry was lacing his skates
In the midst of a game with his mates.
Flip-flopping, he cried,
"I shall leave them untied!"
Then he tripped. Sir, your ambulance awaits.

  The Real Story at CBS Boston

Woohoo! My limerick got an honorable mention in the weekly contest at Mad Kane's Humor Blog. http://www.madkane.com/humor_blog/2012/01/22/limerick-of-the-week-45/

Definition Limericks With a Religious Twist

Looking through the definitions that I've submitted to OEDILF.com, I noticed that a lot of them centered on religious topics. This wasn't intentional but I do think about religion quite a bit and apparently it comes through when I write. Some of the defined words are specifically religious, others only fit this category because of the way I used them, but my hope is that all are entertaining or thought-provoking in some way.

The first one defines the word Damascene...

Really Really Sup Par Writing

Yes, I understand... this isn't poetry but it definitely is sub par. But that was the point, the following two pieces, I was writing for the purpose of writing poorly. See for yourself.